Fernwood 2 Night S1:E7

Talk to a Jew

Barth talks about his unusual day-to-day contract. Howard Palmer, a man in an iron lung, plays the piano. ""Talk to a Jew"" -- Morton Rose answers audience questions. (""When is Barbra Streisand's next movie coming out?"")

Leisure Suits Cause Cancer

Barth thanks the viewers for their support that got him renewed for another episode. Rocket to Stardom: Baby Irene sings ""I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded"". Barth talks to her about gun control. Happy talks about his nostrils. From Fernwood Commmunity College: Doctor Richard Osgood has proof that leisure suits cause cancer. (You see, they dress up the mice in tiny leisure suits... No, really!) Bury the Hatchet: Iris and Joseph Case want their son, a Catholic priest, to come back to them. Howard Palmer plays, while Baby Irene dances.

The Wonderblender

Barth introduces his dad. The body language of April McTear -- contortionist. Lou Moffatt plugs Blendermatic, the Wonderblender. The owner of the Butterfly Deli, Susan Cloud (""...the body _requires_ burgers""). Barth's father Garth Sr. and his idiot dog perform,

Corporal Punishment I

Hula hoopist Darius Washington. South Vietnamese gardener Mein Ko Thein (?) plugs his book: ""Yankee Doodle Gook"". The Other Side of the News:High School Principal Marshall O. Petty discusses corporal punishment by demonstrating it on Debbie Dunbar. Lastly, Garth Sr. and his dumb dog.

Corporal Punishment II

Barth talks with Debbie Dunbar's mother. Since ""last weeks"" on-air spanking, Debbie has gotten several lucrative modeling jobs. Russ Tuttle, the Fernwood coroner talks about cut rate funeral alternatives; Mrs. Dunbar appears with both of her daughters, shamelessly plugging the phone number for her ""talent agency"". Jerry rambles on about families. Barth sings ""Feelings"" while Debbie does cheerleader stuff. Once again, Garth and Louie.

Fernwood Fascinating Females

Vernon Taylor (AKA ""Uncle Sam, Jr"") reads one of his poems, Candy Lee Hargrove talks about the Fernwood Fascinating Females League.

Congressman Chambers

No-frills Hospitals

Ambassador-at-large Harold Mislap talks about his efforts to bring tourism to Fernwood, Dr. Richard Osgood presents his no-frills hospital plan.

Ethnic Myths

Daredevil Virgil Simms; Emanuel Kasinski on his latest findings on ethnic myths and prejudice.

Lillian Dunbar

Grandmother Lillian Dunbar and presidential namesake James Earl Carter.

Uncle Sam, Jr (I)

Candy discusses gynacology and the need for female gynacologists. Bart plays the guitar while Happy and Vernon accompany him.

Tony Rolletti and Susan Cloud

Breeding Athletes

Barth challenges Jimmy Carter to come on the show and compete with him to prove just who is a star. Lou Moffet offers tips on home music ripoffs and the presents the American Guitar Studios home study course offered by Gimblco Enterprises. Happy & band member Tommy Maranucci sit and chat.

Animal Sexuality

Professional football consultant Emanual Kasinski on the breeding of large men.

Garth Gimble Memorial Tennis Classic

This episode is tentatively scheduled for air on TV LAND July 20th at midnight. Original production number: 127 Barth promotes the planned Garth Gimbel Memorial Tennis Classic. W.D. ""Bud"" Prize (Kenneth Mars) returns, and bows to public demands that he reveal the secret of his chinadonture treatment. In a rebuttal to Dr. Van Moot (aka Dr. Osgood), Phil Maltby (Morgan Upton) of Phil's Fashion Funwear and Medical Research Lab explains that leisure suits, far from causing cancer, actually can help cure disease. ""Bud"" Prize is so stimulated by this revelation that he falls asleep.

Dating Service for Dogs

Connie Bushman talks about her dating service for dogs. Radio personality Terry Guy plugs his disc jockey correspondence course.

Lou Moffatt on Land Deals

Lou Moffatt on land deals; Bassist Eddie Thomerson. Sylvia Miller also appears and discusses how a martian violated her with a beam of blue light.

Uncle Sam Jr. II

Vernon Taylor, better known as Uncle Sam, Jr. is back and as passionate as ever.

Comedy Sales Techniques

Insurance salesman Elliott J. Tubbs demonstrates his comedy sales techniques. Happy Kyne on shut-ins.

Tom Waits

Tom Waits. ""Bud"" Prize on using CB radio to bring in tourists.

Dumbness measuring machine

A dumbness measuring machine is demonstrated. Actually, more like a dumbness alarm. Say a dumb thing, and the alarm goes off. Like every time that Jerry opens his mouth.

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Happy Kyne shares the latest gizmo developed by the Olfactory Center of Toledo; the nose aid.

Singers and salesmen

Mario Dorsett on his success as a singer; Tony Rolletti; Mrs. Walter Donker, whose husband sells cars.

Criminal Justice

Gilbert Ulysses Nelson discusses the treatment of criminals.

Still a Dream

Local opera singer Donny Lee Savage; Dr. Hugh Slocum on his latest scientific discovery; Amateur photographer Marianne Cox.

Fernwood Blood Drive

Singing duo Doug and Diana Mitchell; Fernwood blood drive chairman Larry Guy.

Ratings Week

Singer Laurie Gallagher performs, accompanied by her mother on drums. Also: Bud Prize and Sylvia Miller.

Barbershop Trio

Doctor Alexander Beach discusses his findings on marijuana. How the Humdinger Barbershop Quartet became a trio.

Two Ladies Against Pornography

Nettie and Barbara Forman on the elderly.

Church of the Devine Lemonade

The founder of the Church of the Devine Lemonade, Billy Jenkins. George and Sally Krepps discuss the La Fromage method of childbirth.

Roger Bellman

Marin Worth reads one of his poems. Also: Susan Cloud and chauffeur Earl Simmons.

The Fitness Twins

Fernwood mayor Merle Jeeter honors champion Girl scout cookie seller Wendy Price. Also: contortionist Mike Timmins and Mary Lou Bridgewater.

You Are You

Alberta Cornwall on how colored clothing affects moods; poet Vernon Taylor.

The Barber

Hair stylist Sal Magglione and Presidential namesake James Earl Carter.

X-Rated Shopping Mall

Sportscaster Jane Tiffany and W. D. ""Bud"" Prize.

Tony Rolletti's autobiography

Tony Rolletti plugs his autobiography. The Mirth-Makers perform ""Rock Around the Clock"".

Getting the most from your warranty

Virgil Simms tells how to get the most out of your new-car waranty. Basically, you make sure that it goes into the shop just before that waranty expires.

Nudists

Linda Barry, owner of the Fernwood Nudist Colony. Toy maker George Ellsworth.

Wrestling

Jane Tiffany; Sylvia Miller; Wrestler Rock Mondo and his assisstant.

Tony and Chance Rolletti

Solving Water Shortages

Representative Chambers on solving water shortages with icebergs. Lucy and Ed Campbell show how they display affection.

Sex Therapy

Vern Taylor; Sex therapy clinic founder Matthew Johnson; Happy sings about tooth decay.

Real Estate Tips

Comic Buddy Brown; Author Dottie Ann Lee; Eddie Thomerson's real estate tips.

Skateboard Angel

Larry Guy takes questions from the audience; The Mirth-Makers play ""Skateboard Angel"".

Mobile Home Daredevil

Las Vegas entertainer Debbie Dunbar; Mobile home daredevil Virgil Simms.

Rev. Chung Hee

Pot Sniffing

Impressionist Reggie Morrison; Principal Marshall Petty; Susan Cloud.

Pet Mating Service

Connie Bushman on her computer pet mating service; Sherry McCormick performs "" I Like Dreamin'""; The Birchfield, Ohio mayor tells how he spent 90 days in jail.

Harrison Edwards' Moon

Historian Harrison Edwards. Also: Tony Rolletti and Jane Tiffany.

Behind Hollywood

Author Duane Goff plugs his book, ""Behind Hollywood"". The Mirth-makers perform ""Fifteen and Free"".

Etiquette Guidelines

Barth starts the show with a slide show of his travels around Hollywood. Guests for this episode are etiquette authority Meg Endicott and her new book, Etiquette Guidelines for the Future and U.S. Defense Department representative, Col. Morris Chandler, announcing the newly formed War Deprogramming Center, a facility that helps war veterans ease back into the civilian life by first returning them to the war.

Aunt Edity

The show starts off on a somber note when Barth announces that the recently hired sportscaster, Jane Tiffany, was injured and is now in a coma, her prognosis uncertain. They proceed to hold an impromptu tribute to her which was quickly thrown together without hardly any thought or preparation and it shows. The first guest claimed to be Barth's Aunt Edith but is in fact Barth's former "patron" from Miami. This much older woman has tracked him down for the promised "services to be rendered" once she "put mirrors on every ceiling." The next guest claimed to be an accomplished dancer who defected from the Soviet Union but it becomes obvious that Serge Nabokov was kicked out because, as his mother put it, "you stink.

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Barth says a prayer on the show before introducing former daredevil now auto mechanics instructor Virgil Simms. He talks about being an auto-mechanics instructor at the Fernwood Community College. Also appearing is Elliot J Tubbs, the newly appointed National Liquor Lobby representative furthering the alcohol industry's cause. Barth ends the show with a song about truckers and fruit.

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The show begins with Barth and Jerry reacting to some comments made by Tom Snyder. With the band's strike over, things return to normal. Tonight's guests include Edward Bailey, a hamburger bun juggler from the Bun-N-Run, Dr. Harlen Washburn, who describes his vision of integrated education and returning guest Baby Irene performing Animal Crackers.

Theological Correspondence Course

Father George Reese plugs his theological correspondence course, and accordianist Frankie ""Kid"" Carbone.

Singles Mingles Club

Lattimore Diet Program

Six-year-old trombonist Kevin McCormick. Mrs. Lillian Lattimore describes her diet program.

Battery Powered Car

Virgil Simms introduces his battery powered car. Emanual Kasinski on Gay Liberation.

Harry Shearer

Harry Shearer discusses his work in TV news.

Amusement and Healing Parks

Bob and Joanne Herlick recite Shakespeare. Nelson Phipps of the Amusement and Healing Parks.

Indian Princess

On the show tonight: Indian princess Shosen Rising Star and psychologist Stanley Turnbull.

Fan Club President

Barth Gimble fan club president Mercedes Blyweiss presents an award to Barth.

The Ransom

Happy Kyne talks about where songwriters get their inspiration. Happy and the Mirth-Makers sing ""Ice Cream Baby"". Barth interviews three heavily-disguised criminals. Barth explains to Jerry how cartoons work. Bud Prize talks about the ransom note. Somebody has his chow-chow! Barth gets a singing telegram -- actually a summons from Miami.

Save "Fernwood 2Night" Telethon

Barth and Jerry stage a telethon to save the show. Final episode of the series. Continues the next summer as ""America 2Night"".