A Field in England

In an off-camera field somewhere in England, a battle is raging. A small, vicious part of the English Civil Wars of the mid-17th century. Stumbling out of the hedgerow into the empty neighbouring field is Whitehead (Reece Shearsmith, The League of Gentlemen). He's clearly no soldier and he's no heart for the horrors of war. He's joined on this quieter side of the hedges by Jacob, Cutler and - when he awakes from his death-like concussion - Friend. It transpires at least one side in this skirmish was on a specific mission: to hunt down the villainous O'Neill (Michael Smiley, Kill List), an alchemist's servant who has stolen his master's valuable documents and writings so's he can practice the dark arts for himself. Whitehead is another servant to the alchemist, sent to sniff out O'Neill. Still, sod that. It's all gotten a bit, well, bloody for these fellows, and besides, Cutler knows of a lovely alehouse, just yonder past this field. So they're not deserting you understand, they're just... well, going for a quick beer. No harm done, eh? Anyway, they haven't eaten in awhile, so Cutler's just going to make them a stew from the mushrooms that grow in a huge circle in this field. And what's that in the middle of the field, tied to a huge length of rope? They pull on the rope; it takes all four of them to pull the object over to them, and as it transpires, it's a man. It's O'Neill, the man Whitehead was charged with finding. Why was he so heavy? There have been tales of course that time moves differently for people inside the mushroom circles that grow in fields in England, thus altering their density. In fact, a lot of weird sh*t happens around these mushroom fields. And that mushroom stew Cutler made is making our guys feel really, um, strange. And they haven't caught O'Neill, he seems to have caught them. And Cutler seems to know O'Neill. And who's idea was it to go look for a pub? How much further IS this pub, anyway? It's almost as though they've been set up... oh......